Stultus Aprilis
by Teri
Summary: Jack has had a sudden shift in personality. The Tok’ra are valuable allies and Kinsey is a true Patriot? Jack hates fishing? Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c are very worried about the Colonel’s behavior. An April Fool’s Day Story. Revised.


**Stultus Aprilis  
**_A Stargate: SG-1 Story_  
by Teri

* * *

Summary: Jack has had a sudden shift in personality. The Tok'ra are valuable allies and Kinsey is a true Patriot? Jack hates fishing and hockey? Sam and Daniel are very worried about the Colonel's behavior. (An April Fool's Day Story). Can Janet find out what's wrong?

Setting: Pre-Heroes – No real spoilers.

* * *

"If we can begin." General Hammond began as he took his usual seat as he prepared to brief SG-1.

"So, sir, what's the problem this week?" Jack asked with his most innocent look.

Hammond glared at him.

Jack just tried to do his best innocent 'who me' look.

The General sighed, "well, actually it is a problem. As you know we are working on renegotiating our treaty with the Tok'ra. It seems that Senator Kinsey has found out about the negotiations and has persuaded the President that he should be included in the talks."

"Well, good. It is about time we get some one with some sense involved in these negotiations." Jack declared as everyone in the room stared at him in shock. Jack noticed the General's look and added a "Sir" to the end of his statement.

"Um, Jack, are you, ah, feeling okay?" Daniel asked the worry clear in his voice.

"Sure Danny, but you know that the Tok'ra have been such a valuable ally in our fight I am just glad that we will be getting someone like Kinsey involved in the negotiations. He has a vision for our country, our planet. I'll sleep better knowing he is involved."

"Colonel, his vision is for him to get elected to the Whitehouse. I don't think it goes beyond that," Sam spoke up worried about the Colonel.

"Major, I am sorry to see you have such a narrow point of view."

"O'Neill," the tone drew everyone to look at Teal'c as he continued, "did you injure your head on our last mission?"

"No," Jack was thoughtful for a moment; "I don't think so."

"Colonel, Kinsey aside, since when have you considered the Tok'ra to be valuable allies?" The General could hardly believe what he was hearing. 'Perhaps Teal'c has a point about Jack injuring his head?'

Jack just looked at him confused. His expression seemed to say 'what kind of dumb question is that? Sir'

"Sir," Carter began addressing the General. "Perhaps the Colonel should go see Janet? He may have been infected with something." She paused for a moment before adding another idea, "or maybe he is from an alternate universe?"

"Maybe," this time it was Daniel. "Maybe he just needs a vacation. Get some fishing in up at his cabin. Some Beer. Maybe watch some hockey?"

"Daniel? You know I don't drink, especially beer. I just don't like the taste of it. And Hockey? Who watches hockey besides dentists and orthodontists? And Fishing? Boring!" Jack looked petulant. "Besides I don't need a vacation, I don't understand what's wrong with you people."

"Fishing is boring," Teal'c agreed.

"We aren't getting anything done here. SG-1, you are on down time until I decide what to do." The General huffed as he looked at the Colonel oddly as he walked out of the room.

"So, Danny, what are you going to do with your free time?" Jack asked. "I understand you have a new shipment from PX3-401. I hear there are some impressive artifacts."

"Rocks," Daniel said absentmindedly before he knew what he said.

Jack looked at him oddly. "Are you feeling alright Daniel. Rocks? Really. What next? Sam will start describing the converted Trans-induced naquadria generator as a doohickey? Maybe Teal'c will raise more than one eyebrow at us?"

Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c all exchanged glanced. A silent group decision was reached that they needed to get Jack to the infirmary.

"Ah, Jack?" Daniel began as he started to walk out of the room, hoping that Jack would follow him as he talked. Luckily he did. "What are you going to do with your free time?"

"Actually, It works out perfectly. I have a call into Mark over the Lowell Observatory. He is in-charge of the Trans-Neptunian Objects tracking project. I had been wanting to find out more about Sedna. We have been off-world so much I haven't really kept up with the latest news."

Daniel had to do a double take to make sure he was indeed talking to Jack O'Neill. He looked like Jack, but he sounded more like that guy MacGyver from the TV show. The thought of Jack as MacGyver really shook Daniel for a moment as he pictured Jack with long blonde hair using Duct tape to tie-up Mayborne, Anise, and Hathor. Then he'd use a Swiss-army knife while teaching Sam how to build a Stargate with paperclips and shoe laces.

"Jack, why would someone at the observatory be able to tell you about an Inuit goddess of the ocean?"

Sam just stopped in her tracks and stared at him, them. "He means the new object that was sighted beyond the Kuiper Belt region and out beyond Pluto. It is about 2,200 kilometers in diameter."

"Actually, it is closer to 1,700 – 1,800 kilometers," Jack corrected.

"Some people mistakenly believe that it is a planet when it is really probably an asteroid although there are some indications that it could be an Oort cloud." She started walking again. More because she felt the need to do something rather than just stand around and converse with the thing impersonating her Colonel. Well, it wasn't quite that bad, but still he wasn't acting right and it was kind of creepy.

"Oort Cloud?" Daniel asked.

"Hypothetical shell of icy proto-comets believed to be much further out than the 76AU's that Sedna is," Jack answered automatically before turning his attention to Carter. "Oh, come on Major. Mistakenly? Tell me do asteroids generally have enough gravity to be spherical and retain a significant atmosphere?

"Well, no."

"Can an asteroid have an active surface and pronounced seasons?"

"No."

"You see the problem is that the term planet is not well defined." Jack sounded just like Daniel or even Carter in lecture mode. Not a tone or manner that either of them had ever heard before coming from Colonel O'Neill. "You won't find an official definition of one anywhere. Right now there are two generally accepted sub-classifications for planets. The first is Terrestrial or Rocky: Earth, Mercury, Venus, and Mars. We also have the Jovian or Gas planets: Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. Sedna like Pluto does not fall into either of these categories. However, why isn't it conceivable that there is another classification of planets? Something Ice-based. Wouldn't that make more sense that trying to define either of these as comets or asteroids?"

Sam just looked at him. "Well, I, uh. You've made a good point."

"So Jack might be right?" Daniel asked just as amazed as Sam.

"Well, yeah," she said with surprise. "When you look at it like that."

"Yes, another person for our team," Jack cheered. "Planet 3, Asteroid Zip. Call the International Astronomical Union!"

The group was silent for a moment.

"Well, if there is nothing else I have a lot of paperwork in my office and I just can't wait to get to it." Jack was down right gleeful. "I love collating the papers."

"Ah, Jack actually I wanted to pick your brain about some Ancient translations. I know you generally don't like to help, but it is important." Daniel asked hoping to distract the Colonel so he would keep walking with him.

"Sure, whatcha you got?" Jack asked.

No complaining? That was different, Daniel decided. "Ah, here." Daniel pulled out some notes from his pocket and handed them to Jack.

"Ah, it says: 'and the ancient city was encased in ice because of a shift in the planet's axis, thus causing the once temperate city to fall to the southern pole of the planet. The shift was not detected in time and most of the inhabitants were killed instantly." Jack translated easily.

Daniel, Teal'c, and Carter all exchanged glances again. Glad that the infirmary was close by.

"Look if you all want to do some team bonding without me using silent communication, why don't you call Jonas?" He continued to walk, but muttered loud enough for all to hear. "You know he really fit in well, I miss that kid."

Jack and his band of worried helpers all stopped in front of the Infirmary doors. "Okay kids you got me here. Now what?'

He knew. Drat.

"I think you need to talk to Janet, Sir," Sam explained.

"Fine, if it will get you three off my back then fine. Besides, I never mind going to see the Doc. It's always a pleasure. I especially like it when she lets me play with her big-honking needles." He smiled and entered the infirmary without anymore pushing. The amazed group only followed behind him.

Inside, Sam explained to Janet why they thought it was important to get Jack down here to see her.

Janet turned an assessing eye at the Colonel.

"Okay Colonel I have a few questions for you. I want you to answer with the first thing that comes to mind. Okay?"

"You sure betcha."

"Tok'ra" "Allies"

"Artifacts" "Daniel"

She scribbled some notes in the chart.

"Patriot" "Kinsey"

"NID" "Trust"

"Col. Simmons" "Honest"

"Col. Mayborne" "Friend"

"Hmhmm," Janet muttered and scribbled some more in the chart.

"Replicators" "Interesting new life form"

"Anise" "Smart"

"Asguard" "Protector"

"Loki" "Inventive"

"MacGyver" "A fine television role model and a really good looking guy."

"Uhhmmm." Janet scribbled a few more notes. "Well, I haven't seen a case like this in years. I am actually quite surprised to find it here at the Mountain, but I suppose if anyone were going to get it, it would be the Colonel."

"What's wrong with him Janet?" Sam asked and Daniel nodded his head.

Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow glancing at the Doctor and the Colonel with a slightly amused look on his face or at least as amused as Teal'c can look when not brainwashed.

"Give it to me straight Doc. I can take it," Jack looked earnest or at least he tried to.

"Colonel, I believe you have a severe case of 'Stultus Aprilis.'" She managed to say it with a straight face.

Daniel just gaped at them both.

Jack and Janet couldn't take it anymore as they both broke out in laughter.

The General walked in and was also laughing. He had figured out what was going on and hadn't wanted to miss their reactions, but couldn't take being in the room with them upstairs for fear he would start laughing and ruin the whole thing.

"What?" Sam demanded. Her Latin wasn't so wonderful. Cobol, Fortran, Assembly, C, those were her languages.

"Janet said," Daniel still could hardly process it. "She said that he has a case of April Fools."

* * *

Happy April Fool's Day Everyone!

Hope you enjoyed it!

Teri

First Posted - 4/1/04  
Revised Version - 6/5/04; 8/9/07

NB: This was written before Pluto and many other objects were reclassified.


End file.
